How Allies can support survivors

When discussing a sexual harassment experience with a survivor, it is important to frame questions thoughtfully in order to avoid victim shaming. Your primary goal is to keep the person safe. The goal of any dialogue should be to enter the survivor’s shoes and show authentic respect, compassion, and empathy. It should not—intentionally or accidentally-make survivors feel discredit, dismissed, or disempowered. 

Starting a question with “why didn’t you…” or “why did you…” revictimizes the survivor. The nature of the question implies that the survivor should have or could have done something differently. For example, the question “why didn’t you apply for that job opening if things were so bad at work?” suggests the survivor’s working conditions were not as hostile as they claimed. “Why didn’t you file a lawsuit if your company acted illegally?” ignores the context of sexual harassment.  Indeed, you may have questions that seek to clarify and build comprehension. Yet the survivor’s need for support is greater than your need for understanding. They need to know you are there to listen and not to judge.

Any clarification questions you ask, then, should signal to the survivor “I am here. I am listening. I want to understand your experience. I want to understand your story so we can make sure your experience never happens again.” These examples illustrate how to transfer shame driven questions into support driven questions:

Shame Driven: Why didn’t you go to the Department of Labor?

Support Driven: What hindered you from going to the Department of Labor?

Shame Driven: Why didn’t you appeal your company’s sexual harassment investigative report when it denied your harassment?

Support Driven: How should company’s internal investigation practices be changed so each initial report is impartial, just, and truth seeking?

Shame Driven: Why did you get intoxicated at the staff New Year’s party?

Support Driven: What needs to change in our culture and businesses so people are respected regardless of the choices they make at a party or when getting dressed in the morning?

Shame Driven: If it is as bad as you say it is, why don’t you just find a new job?

Support Driven: What financial or family obligations hindered you from seeking different employment opportunities?

Shame Driven: Why didn’t you seek legal justice?

Support Driven: What legal statues and practices hindered you from seeking legal justice?

By reframing one’s questions, allies can foster a deep understanding that thoroughly assesses the condition of our current legal, business, and mainstream cultural practices. Displaying empathy and support will also empower the survivor to continue sharing their narrative, which is a necessary component to establish gender equity and equality. 

Toxic group norms foster workplace mobbing and sexual harassment. Employees tolerate mobbing, nepotism, and favoritism, arguing that is just how work politics work.  “It is a dog-eat-dog world” mindset prevails. Employees who challenge this frame of mind are dismissed or discredited, making underreporting common as the “snitches get stiches” mentality perpetuates. The psychological concept known as the bystander effect also explains why employees act indifferent when they see sexual harassment, mobbing, or retaliation. The bystander effect teaches that when someone needs help in a group, the presence of other people causes a diffusion of responsibility. The large the group, the more likely someone will not take a stand to help the struggling, hurting, or endangered individual. Citizens think something like “Oh someone else has reported that” or minimize the danger, thinking “well, no one else is doing anything so it must not be that big of a deal.” In the end, nothing gets done to help the person in need.

My school district recognized the power of the bystander effect. Consequently, I was part of an anti-bullying committee whose purpose was to get students to understand the multiple roles students play in a bully situation. The district adopted a policy that every student would tell an adult if they saw bullying. Staff pledged to be defenders who took bullying serious. That was our promise to our students, and we, as a staff, were expected to speak up against bullying. The school made shirts for each staff member that said, “you can count on me.” We created a school video where staff promised to speak and stand up to bullying. Later we got shirts that labeled each staff member as a “defender.” My principal himself wore this shirt. Each month we paused our class schedules to teach a 30-minute anti-bullying lesson. Our motto was “I will speak up. I will stand up.” I absolutely loved my role on this committee. We led school assemblies and wrote curriculum that empowered people to take a stand against injustice. It was wonderful work, and I found it so fulfilling. 

My work on the committee backfired on me, however. I became acutely aware that our school had a group norm to stand up against bullying yet, when I encountered sexual harassment and workplace mobbing, no one came to my aid. No one told me the rumors they heard about me being self-centered were inappropriate. No one came up to me and encouraged me to file a police report when my windshield broke. No one, not even my supervisor, spoke up when my colleague demeaned my instructional methods at a social studies meeting. None of my teammates spoke out when I called out one of my mobsters’ gossip. No one thought my colleague’s “bird” was inappropriate. In a follow-up staff meeting, in fact, this perceived mobster was recognized as an All-Star Teacher, an award the staff voted on. “His bird” continued to fly under later administration as his award was left on display in our staff workroom. As a building we agreed no one deserved to be bullied. As a building, we agreed everyone deserved to be treated with respect and compassion. Yet when they saw shaming or harassment, few did little to help me. As a group, they were apathetic. Indifferent. And therefore, permissive. 

Their ability to go along with the crowd when they heard rumors or observed mobbing meant they each played a role in my discrimination. One may have been the disengaged onlooker who stayed silent as they were too afraid their own career was in jeopardy. Another may have been a passive or active observer who did not start the joke or rumor, but certainly laughed at it and spread it. It was just a funny situation, right? It did not hurt anyone.  She should not want to be praised for her work. She deserved this, right? It is not gossip—just venting. It does not hurt anyone we say.

Other observers could have made wrong assumptions about the context of what was being said. “The bird” was meant for my principal and not a specific teacher. No need to ask any questions or advocate the principal address the inappropriate gesture publicly. And so the diffusion spread away from the group to the individual. If someone is uncomfortable with the it, they will say something to administration. It is not my problem. 

Others may have been a possible defender who wanted to do something to help but did not because they did not know how. We were never taught the difference between venting and mobbing. We were never told we could speak up for an employee who we thought was too afraid to report harassment or retaliation. We were never told the lines between someone’s right to privacy and the group’s right to be safe. We were never told to use caution when discussing students’ mental health issues (i.e. depression, anxiety) as staff within the meeting may have struggled with the same issue. We were never told the district handled student bully situations differently than staff bully situations. We never realized someone could report bullying to our superintendent and have it completely ignored. 

And through all of it, the target believes they deserve it. They start to second guess themselves, wondering if what they really thought and felt was true. They knew others saw their harassment. If it was wrong, someone would say something, right? They would have too. That was what they and their colleagues agreed as a group norm. As a result, they minimize their perception or shame themselves. I must be too sensitive. I must be who they say I am.  This is how the bystander effect gas lights the target. Their start to think their perceived reality that what they experienced was incorrect. The group’s indifference also explains why so many targets remain silent. Why would they speak up when they see no one is willing to help them? And so the mobbing, retaliation, and sexual harassment continues to the point where the target faces what I did: depression, anxiety, fear, panic attacks, and thoughts of suicide.

The beautiful thing about the bystander effect is it shows the power of the group. Once one person speaks up, the group realizes they have the collective responsibility to help. One person can destroy someone’s fear by going to their supervisor and saying, “Hey, I heard this comment and regardless of how my colleagues feel about it, I want you to know I felt uncomfortable with it.” One person can erase someone’s shame by emailing their supervisor: “I heard this rumor and I want you to address it as it violates our group norms about respect.” Standing up against discrimination does not have to be public. It does not have to be some drawn out 2-page paper. It can be as simple as a two-sentence email. Going to the survivor and asking them if they feel safe tells them that what they felt, saw, and heard was real. It was inappropriate. This empowers them as they weigh the pros and cons of coming forward with a complaint.

I still believe people should speak up when they see bullying. I still believe we all play a role in stopping harassment. And I still call myself a defender. I hope you do too.

In my story, I had multiple family members ask when I was going to move on and go back to the way things used to be. This question made my burden heavier as it failed to understand what I was going through. An illustration will put this into perspective. Imagine a long-time friend had their child murdered, and, while they discuss their story, they are asked “when will they go back to their old self” or “when will they move on with their life.” Asking these sort of questions dismisses a survivor’s loss and suffering. Survivors, by definition, are survivors. Something happened to them that was traumatic, painful, and life altering. Things will not go back to the way they were, no matter how much you or they want it to. 

Depending on their story, a degree of trust was broken. Expectations were unmet. Ideals were shattered. Your friend or family member is in the middle of processing this trauma. They are doing the tough work of rebuilding and grieving what they have loss. Of course, that does not mean your friend will stay “injured.”  Through time and support, they will process what happened to them. They will find purpose to their pain, new strength, and restored faith. Telling them to ignore or forget their story will not help them through this journey. As for your friendship, it will drive you further away from each other or establish a toxic relationship that focuses merely on your needs.  

Instead of asking this question, explore how you have been impacted by their sexual harassment and retaliation. Your anger, sadness, and fear is a casualty of their sexual harassment and retaliation. Embrace this pain but know your survivor may or may not be in a position to help you process these negative emotions. You may need to talk about your feelings with someone other than your survivor. By sharing your own feelings privately, you will lighten your survivor’s load rather than make it heavier. By taking care of your own mental and emotional health, you can be strong and support your survivor through their grief.

Congratulations! Your friend or family member chose to disclose part of their narrative with you. This means they trust you with a very personal part of their life. This moment, then, cannot be about you. You will, of course, have your own natural reaction to their narrative but your primary goal is to let the survivor know you are there. Listening. Believing. Supporting. Here are five ways you can achieve this goal: 

Know you are treading on sacred ground. Disclosing any personal information related to their experience is courageous. Many survivors live under a cloud of silence due to non-disclosure statements and fear of being demonized, discredited, or disbelieved. Be aware you are entering sacred ground. It is important you thoughtfully respond. Directly tell the survivor how courageous they are for sharing this with you and that you will do your best to help them feel loved and supported. Apologize ahead of time for unintentionally making them feel uncomfortable by how you respond. Reassure them you take their disclosure serious and will keep it completely confidential unless you fear for their physical safety.

Ensure they are not ashamed. Help your survivor understand the causes of sexual harassment and workplace mobbing. Ask them to review their company’s internal weaknesses and toxic group norms (i.e. ineffective management, unclear policies, and indifference toward harassment). Ask them to assess their experience with victim blaming statements, both within the company and outside the company (during their childhood, school experience, prior work history, and religious instruction). Remind them of their human rights (that every employee deserves respect, impartial investigations, and sensitive administrators). Avoid using shame driven questions or dangerous assumptions that victim blame. 

Encourage them to reach out for help. Admit that you would not know what to do if you were in their situation. This indirectly tells the person that “hey…this confusion isn’t your fault. This is a tough situation you are having to navigate. I do not have the answers either.” Point them to a counseling service or spiritual advisor in your area. Then follow up and ask how these support agencies are going. Remind them they are doing heavy work as trauma is complex and often multi-layered. Tell them how proud you are that they are willing to tackle this tough task. 

Encourage them to advocate for themselves. Tell them to ask clarification questions. Tell them to report in writing rumors, perceived deception, and related staff conflicts. Remind them that what they are experiencing is real and the only way they can change it is to document and report their hostile work environment. This may mean talking with the Department of Labor.  After each step, applaud them for taking a stand that helps others.

Finally, validate each survivor. People respond to trauma differently, and no two survivors experiences are the same. Each person encountered something that was uniquely their own. Honor their truth. Give the survivor permission to tell their story. Empower them by applauding any efforts they make to reach out for support services, advocate groups, or mentor programs. Acknowledge their courage for processing a traumatic experience, for helping other survivors, and for sharing their story. Show them that they are not invisible, that you see and hear them, that they matter and so does their sexual harassment story.

I understand that advocating for stronger sexual harassment laws will make some employees feel intimidated when they work with colleagues of the opposite gender. Their fear is reasonable given the fact that false allegations can and do happen. I also appreciate employees for advocating for themselves here. I will not shame them for presenting their concerns.  That being said, I  will challenge them to read the data to see if false reporting is as alarming as underreporting.  My testimony certainly shows survivors are afraid to come forward.

I accept this has a valid point however. It is foolish to tell employees they can avoid false accusation simply by living with integrity. Mobbing is real. I know that. And I will not dismiss their fear that employees could conspire against them in a false sexual harassment plot. They could. I have also learned from my harassment experience that evil falls on the righteous just as much as it does the unrighteous. And If a survivor has the right to be shielded from evil, so do employees who are wrongly accused. This is why it is so important for companies to investigate privately workplace mobbing charges. My perceived mobsters were never given the chance to defend themselves privately while I was never given the chance to be heard. When my company chose to ignore my complaint, the system failed us both. 

Finally, my legal proposals empower the accused as well as the accusers. The burden of proof still rests on the survivor, and a falsely accused employee still has the right to call out which parts of the accused’s story are inaccurate. The company is the one who remains the neutral judge who determines impartially what elements of a report can be substantiated and which parts cannot. Under my proposal, when the public reads these open reports, both the accused and the accusers should look like they got a fair trial. The public has a way to check company practices, especially entry employees who want to determine what level of equity their employer offers before they invest time climbing a corporate ladder.