For Christian Survivors

I absolutely love the Bethel song “I am no victim,” which is sung by Kristene Dimarco (listen to it here). In the chorus, the singer proclaims this statement over her life: “I am who he says I am. He is who he says he is. I am defined by all his promises. Shaped by every word he says.” I believe this statement summarizes the internal choice and dialogue believers make as they endure, process, and fight sexual harassment and workplace mobbing. 

Christian survivors do not allow other people’s views and actions to determine what they think, how they feel, and how they see themselves. They align their self-worth with how God sees them. They know they are loved and worthy of being loved. They live under the blood of Jesus, meaning they know all their sins are forgiven. Survivors cling to who God is and to what God promises. They believe he resurrects the dead, restores their brokenness, and provides strength, love, peace, and joy. They believe he is a good God who never leaves his children, who makes beauty out of ashes, and who defends the vulnerable. Understanding who and whose you are decimates the regret, shame, fear, anxiety, and despair survivors often experience.

Sing with Kristene: “I am no victim. I live with a vision. I'm covered by the force of love. Covered in my Savior's blood. I am no orphan. I'm not a poor man. The Kingdom's now become my own. And with the King I've found a home. He's not just reviving. Not simply restoring. Greater things have yet to come. Greater things have yet to come. He is my Father. I do not wonder. If His plans for me are good. If He'll come through like He should. Cause He is provision. And enough wisdom. To usher in my brightest days. To turn my mourning into praise.”

I pray you and I can walk confidently with our Father. I ask Holy Spirit for you to restore our souls, protect us from the lies of Satan, and empower us be a light to the world. Thank you for the work you are doing in our lives. Amen.

Verses to meditate on: Psalm 34:17-18; Psalm 23; Deuteronomy 31:7-8; Matthew 28:20; Romans 8:28; 2 Thessalonians 3:1-5; Psalm 138:7-8; and Psalm 40:1-3

If you struggle with God's forgiveness of your sins, please mediate on:  1 John 1:7-9; Romans 5:6-9; Ephesians 2:13; Romans 8:31-39; Psalms 103:10-18; Philippines 3:12-14; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Hebrews 9:14, and Ephesians 3:17-21

At my lowest point, I saw no reason to live. I became suicidal, having a plan on how I would kill myself. 

At this point in my recovery, my therapist had told me there was at least one other sexual harassment survivor in my city who had been gas lit like I was. The mobbing at work, meanwhile, seemed endless. Internally, I also knew if I did not go public, I was a hypocrite in my faith and in my civic values. I taught my students each year that injustice only happens because we, the people, allow it. I told my students they had to report bullying when they saw it.  I also believed God called Christians to advocate for the weak and to bind up the wounds of the hurting. At the same time, however, I knew there was no promise God would shield the righteous from evil. In the process of trying to do the right thing, my family and I could suffer. My husband could lose his painting business, consequently causing us to lose our home. Then my kids would have to change schools, losing their friends and perhaps even their faith as they tried to make sense of an unjust world with what appeared, at times, to be an indifferent God. I felt trapped. 

In my grief, I was told to find solace knowing justice in Heaven awaited me. I found little comfort in this promise though.  All I wanted to do was go and be with Jesus, away from this corrupt, callous world. I wanted to go to heaven where there would be no more manipulation, deceit, indifference, shaming, or mobbing. The only thing holding me back was the idea that my family would suffer from my choice, that my selfish decision to escape the pain meant they would suffer the negative consequences of free will just like I did. This theological understanding ultimately saved my life, but it did not eliminate the mental despair that weighed heavy on my soul. I knew I had to stay in this world, but I was not at peace living in it. 

Then Christmas came and with it the story of God, born as a man named Jesus, entering human history to save us from our sins.  The familiar story hit me hard psychologically and spiritually one Sunday at church. I realized that when all I wanted to do was escape this world, Jesus willingly choose to enter it. While I wanted to run away from evil, he ran into it. I wanted my safety guaranteed if I faced the mob. Jesus knew in Gethsemane the mob would torture and kill him, yet he went anyways. While I was stuck trying to understand the mysterious will of God, he embraced a will that he knew guaranteed pain and suffering. My calling was yet to be determined. His purpose was a certain agonizing death. And yet he came anyways.

This theological understanding made me acutely aware that I had to honor Jesus’ sacrifice with my life. He faced the mob and all its evil so I could be forgiven. Once I was forgiven, he commanded me to live a life that glorified him and brought others to him. This felt like a huge step for me, moving me away from despair towards hope. I knew I was not alone in my suffering. Someone else had faced a mob that manipulated the system in order to achieve their goals. And this man choose this pain simply because he loved me (and you). 

Verses to meditate on: Isaiah 53:5-12; Galatians 1:3-5; Romans 5:6-11; 1 John 4:9-12; John 3:16, Philippians 2:5-11; and 1 Peter 2:20-25

For a long time, I needed to have my injustice recognized by others as valid. This desire was entirely separate from a desire to hold my perpetrators accountable.  I wanted someone to tell me what I encountered was wrong legally. Professionally. Morally. I thought this acknowledgement would fix things on some level. Then I could see the world as fair and just again. Then I could trust people in authority again. Then I would know the government checked corruption again. Then I could believe God protected the righteous from evil again. My worldview and all its assumptions would be restored, which in turn would end all the mental, emotional, and spiritual confusion I felt. 

To sort myself out, I had to rewrite some of my assumptions. It was not easy adjusting my worldview. I felt safe believing the world was predictably good to those who lived godly lives. It helped me deal with all the uncertainty that resulted from humanity’s divine gift of free will. Yet my experiences as a survivor showed me the world and God’s hand in it was a mystery.  I had to accept the wicked can flourish while the righteous suffer. People who lie, abuse, and hate can hurt those who are honest, fair, and compassionate, and God can choose to do nothing to stop it.  Even now, I cannot make logical sense of God's plans.  And I also realize I cannot control what he allows or what he plans, no matter how faithful or righteous I am. 

My biblical study of civil disobedience only added another layer to my understandings of the mysteries of God. Not every story of civil disobedience in the Bible follows up with physical deliverance. In Acts 4, the men of the Sanhedrin told Peter and John to stop preaching the Good News, a commandment they later broke in Acts 5. The high priest and his associates, filled with jealousy and resentment, then imprisoned the apostles. They were rescued that very night when an angel of the Lord opened the prison doors. At this point in the story, God seems predictably good.  His people honored his law above man's law and were physically protected because of it.  Yet afterwards they continued teaching and were eventually flogged.  Despite this suffering, the Jerusalem Church continued to preach, causing Stephen to be stoned to death. As for the other apostles, church history teaches that all of them except John were killed for teaching the gospel.  Paul, likewise, refused to stop preaching the Good News and was eventually executed for his civil disobedience.

There is no promises in Scripture that those who practice civil disobedience will be rescued from pain and suffering. What is promised is that God is good and works all things for good. Many theologians assert that Paul’s imprisonment gave him the time and purpose to write letters to the churches he started, letters that eventually became part of our sacred canon. Historians, meanwhile, use the death of the apostles to prove the life and teachings of Jesus are real historically. The apostles, they argue, would not have died for a lie. In other words, Christians who practice civil disobedience can lose on earth in the short term, but win in the long-term.

Practicing civil disobedience is a mystery then. As Christians, we practice it to honor God’s law above man’s law yet at the same time acknowledge we have no right to demand God blesses us for it. The earthly blessing may come long after we are gone.  We are God’s bondservants, which means we follow his commandments and surrender to his plan for our life.  No matter how mysterious that plan is, we have to trust that it is good and consider it all joy. In other words, we must choose to be like the apostles who, after their flogging, rejoiced that they were “considered worthy to suffer disgrace for the name of Jesus” (Acts 5:41; NLT).

The source of our joy is no mystery in other words.  As believers, our contentment is not dependent on our circumstances but on our faith that our God is who he says he is.  Our joy is found not in how well things go, but in fulfilling the purpose God has given us.  And that purpose is to glorify his name and love others as he loved us. Yes, this means we must find joy in suffering, purpose in pain, and hope in tribulation. When we look back, however, we will be like Habakkuk who cried out that it was the Sovereign Lord who gave him strength to climb the mountain that laid before him and like Paul, who proclaimed when he was weak, he was strong.  To ease back from this suffering out of fear, means we and our communities will face perpetual abuses and may never know the name of Jesus.  Such injustice and eternal damnation is no mystery.  It is not part of God's plan and demands action by you, by me, and by God's holy Church.

Verses to Meditate on: Philippians 1:12-29; Philippines 3:7-4:1; John 16:33; Habakkuk 3:16-19; 1 Peter 4:12-19; 2 Thessalonians 3:4-5; 2 Corinthians 12:9; Matthew 10:39; and 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

The Bible is clear about forgiveness. We are commanded to let go of the hurts caused by others. This does not mean we have to forget the person’s toxicity or remove the consequences of their actions. The purpose of forgiveness is to cast our grief into the lap of Christ. We must turn over every pain, no matter how small it seems.  From the grief of accidental miscommunications to intentional choices meant to abuse us, we must peel away, layer by layer, the anger, bitterness, and resentment.

For me, forgiveness looked different depending on which heartache I was trying to release. Sometimes forgiveness came when I intentionally tried to see myself in my enemy. I played a sort of mind game where I put myself in their shoes and wrote my own explanation for why they decided to harass me. Of course, this was merely speculation but the activity allowed me to connect my anger with empathy, compassion, and humility. For one of my mobsters, I reasoned she may have gone along with the conspiracy because she was afraid. She worried if she refused to participate in the plot she would face retaliation, and, once the plot started, there was no way she felt she could escape professionally. I resonated with her fear of retaliation as that is what kept me from going on record in 2011. 

This technique did not work for each of my mobsters, however, as I believed power and greed motivated multiple assailants. I know this sounds arrogant, but I do not see myself as someone who is power hungry or materialistic. Initially, I told myself to forgive these people because Christ commanded it. I was to do so not because I loved them but because I loved Christ. I also told myself that I was a sinner like them and that casting shame on them was like casting shame on myself. Truthfully, this exercise did not do much for me emotionally. It did not release my anger or resentment.

For my most difficult heartaches, forgiveness became an exercise in prayer. My prayer specifically was that we could be in heaven together and dwell there in harmony. If I envisioned myself riding a horse in heaven, I put one of my mobsters in heaven right next to me. I envisioned us laughing and talking as God’s light shimmed on our faces. If I was on a beautiful nature trail, I put my mobster there too. Whatever daydream I had about heaven, they were there with me. This helped me process God’s love for them. I felt compassion for them and wanted to see our relationship restored. It made me want to be part of God’s plan for them, a plan I knew required I forgive them.

Then came a difficult challenge in my prayer life. I started to pray that God would bless their earthly lives. I prayed they would have good health and would feel rejuvenated. I prayed they would enjoy teaching and have a wonderful school year. I prayed their career would blossom. This was difficult because I realized that holding onto the heartache caused by them actually hinder my own health, happiness, and purpose. Holding onto my anger or resentment hurt me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  

Forgiveness also became a spiritual exercise where I had to process who God was and how his love, justice, and mercy worked. I was forced to submit to God’s authority to bless those who do evil while the righteous suffer.   I had to accept there was no magic wand in releasing my pain.  There was only faith in understanding God loves us both and has a wonderful plan for us both. And daily I had (have) to choose to fall into that mysterious aspect of God’s goodness.   

I believe your forgiveness journey will be just as personal, just as layered, and just as much a matter of faith. I also believe you will see overtime that releasing your hurt helps you find the joy, peace, and purpose God designed for you. You will find beauty in life again, and you will learn how to pray earnestly that your enemies do too.

Verses to Meditate on:  Matthew 6:9-13; John 14:21-23; John 15:9-17; Luke 6:37-42; Luke 23:24; 1 Corinthians 4:5; 1 John 4:7-21; and 1 Peter 3:9 

If your journey was like mine, you may reason that you “just want it to go away” but please know it will not. Trust me. I tried. I thought I could negotiate some sort of “fairness” reciprocity with my company, a sort of “If I play nice here, then they’ll be kind to me later.” Consequently, when I first came forward in 2011, I agreed to go off record. And I thought I was immediately “rewarded” as the harassment stopped and my fear of retaliation went unrealized. Then my 180 days ended and everything changed. My principal put on a front of neutrality, at this is how I interpreted it so I could cope with all the trauma I was experiencing. It was not that he did not like me. He just could not express positive feelings or words towards me as it could generate bad feeling among my perpetrator and his allies. For the longest time, I concluded I had to “help” him manage this struggle so the school avoided any future liability. It was wrong for me to expect him to be pleasant when we talked. It was wrong for me to praise him in public. It was wrong for me to expect him to recognize my hard work. I was called to love others and follow the golden rule. I was supposed to treat others I wanted to be treated.  I would want someone to help me resolve a tense conflict  they had at work.  I would want someone to help me sort it all out. 

Please know you not responsible for this. The company had more than enough resources at their finger trips to manage the conflict (i.e. a lawyer, public relations department, team of administrators). Even if they do not have these resources, it is not your responsibility to be “selfless” and keep your company safe. Your job is to keep yourself safe. Legally. Spiritually. Professionally. Psychologically. No one else will. Not a legislator. Not a lobby group. Not a religious institution. Even if bystanders come to your aid, you have to agree to fight legally alongside them. Even if pastors and mentors walk beside you, you have to wrestle with your own spiritual issues about evil, justice, and God. Even if your management handles your case appropriately, you have to create professional and personal boundaries to manage triggers that later emerge. Even if you have access to a great mental health system, you have to do the tough psychological work of processing your trauma. You have a lot of responsibilities. Taking care of your company is not one of them.

Without a doubt, however, we are called to extend biblical compassion to the employees within our companies. Biblical compassion is standing up for the brokenhearted and the powerless. It is exposing sexual immorality. It is speaking God’s truth in love, meaning you avoid shaming and humbly recognize your own sinfulness. It means loving others as we would love ourselves. We want someone to keep us safe from pain and suffering. We want someone who sees and treats us as equals. Biblical compassion means loving yourself, knowing you are fearfully and wonderfully made and consequently deserve respect and love. Biblical compassion extends forgiveness without removing the consequences of someone’s sin. Jesus removed the spiritual consequence of eternal damnation. He never removed the legal consequences though. The thief on the cross next to him would see him in paradise but he still had to die on a cross for his crimes.  Biblical compassion means praying for our enemies, leaving condemnation in the hands of God, and not repaying evil with evil.  We are to do good to those who harm us, meaning we pray for them and do not retaliate evil with evil.  Biblical compassion glorifies God through non-violent protest and surrenders to his mysterious plan to bring others into his relentless mercy and love. Biblical compassion is a heavy responsibility.  Taking care of your perpetrator and unjust administrator legally, however, is not a weight you have to carry.

Verses to meditate on:  Zechariah 8:14-17; Ephesians 5:1-17; Ephesians 4:11-15 and 25;  Philippines 1:9-10 (discernment); Proverbs 1:1-7; 1 John 3:16-24; and Psalm 25:4 and 5